Jesus fucking christ

My life is weird.

She likes me!

Too bad she has a boyfriend. But it's a long-distance type of situation, they haven't seen each other since August of 'o7. And she told him that she's in love. With me. And that I've got a thing for her, too. Thing is, that's perfect. I would totally be cool with having that love connection as friends, and a really fucking hot physical connection, but none of the icky ownership and expectation issues that can easily come along with having a girlfriend.

I had an amazing weekend. Campfires, conversations about what the fuck is wrong with society, kids running around playing while surrounded by adults who respect each kid as an individual, and enjoying a love buzz on top of the alcohol induced buzz are all just what I needed this weekend. And I got it.

Aww!

This sums up what I want when I bother to get involved with someone again:

http://www.ourchart.com/content/the-whole-package

Beautiful!

The box

The other night I went to a good friend's house. She had a couple of other friends over, and all in all it was a really great night. Every time I am with this woman I learn so much, and this time was no different. My friend, A. is amazing. She's creative, she's inquisitive, she's open to life. She's unlike anyone else I know. Anyway.

We were hanging out around a campfire, the alcohol was free flowing, and everyone was calm and open and honest. The subject of the box came up. Who's in? Who's out? How so?

These people, without question, are outside the box. Mainstream doesn't matter to them, to the point that the lives they live aren't even a rebellion against the box. The box holds no influence over them. They are who they are. I love them.

I realize that I have spent most of my life at this crossroads. The border of in and out of the box. It's not that I am scared to make a choice, it's not that I am afraid of not being accepted. It's that, until very recently, I had no clue whether I belonged in or out. And I didn't have the language to figure it out. Most of the people that I knew talked about stupid shit like clothes and American Idol. They NEVER would have sat outside, in light rain, building a campfire until 5 am talking about the history of religion, and misogyny, and who you are and why you are. My old friends, and I still love them, of course, but we are different, always got tired of these discussions, when I'd try to have them.

So. This is my declaration. I know where I belong, and I'm out. Out of the closet. Out of the box.

Busy.

I'm focusing on school. Also, keeping my kids focused on their schooling. Actually, that's the hard part. It's easy for me to concentrate on my studies, all the effort I put forth is used to get my kids to do their damn homework. Oh, and then feed them dinner. Then get them clean. Then pack their lunches for the next day. Then get them into bed. I cannot wait until they're capable of staying focused on what must be done.

But I'm crazy about them. Kids.

Actually, I was trying to remember what I like to do. For fun, you know? And as much work as it is to do stuff with the kids, I actually like to do stuff with them. Sitters are great every once in a while, of course. I guess that many other adults wouldn't really get it, my ex sure as fuck didn't, but I prefer activities that I can take the kids along to.

So. What else? Special girl still makes nervous, in the I'm-a-dork,-dear-god-please-like-my-kind-of-dorkiness,-shit-I-really-want-to-press-you-against-that-wall-and-kiss-your-neck,-I-hope-you're-thinking-the-same-thing sort of way. I'm slowly getting around to telling her. I'm an honest person, so I can't keep all this in much longer. Complicated.

Yeah, and also. Fuck politics. I'm so tired of all the bullshit.

Busy day

I saw the special girl today. I get so flustered around her. I can't think straight (pun intended, or not, whatevs) and, whoa, I haven't felt this way about anyone for a long time. It's so great. Must work up the nerves to come out and tell her that I want to get to know her, ahem, better. I'll get there. Soon, 'cause this girl is driving me crazy.

Went to school today, and talked to my academic advisor. I'm enrolled! I'll start class in October, which is great. I'll have some time to get child care figured out, and also get my physical done. But I am officially enrolled! So excited to be taking this journey.

I'm really grateful for where I am in my life right now. I know that, as tough as it all seems sometimes, I have it easier than many people. I have a wonderful, supportive family helping me out, great friends that are accepting of me, and fabulous kids that keep me pushing myself to be the best I can.

Step One

Accomplished.

I called the school that I'll be applying to. Set up an appointment with a counselor tomorrow, to talk about curriculum and assistance and all that fun stuff. Also found out that they still have my transcripts on file from when I applied there years ago. Woo-hoo! I'm on my way...