Today would have been the sixth anniversary of making a legal commitment to love and be faithful and blahblahblah to some dood for the rest of my life. As it turned out, he couldn't give me the same.
And I feel fine. No, better than fine.
Today I'm celebrating my commitment to myself. I'm setting new goals, new ambitions, new hopes for the rest of my life. I'm going to go back to school, Monday I will take the first steps on that journey. I'm seeking, ya know? And never will I let *anything* that happened in the past happen again. It's ALL about me, baby.
After I married that guy, standing outside the courthouse letting our families take pictures of us, I started dreaming. But those weren't my dreams, of course. They were diluted, polluted with the toxic ambitions of a person who only seeks to dominate everything and everyone around him.
I'm hoping again. It's quiet, it's peaceful, it's idealistic. But I own that hope and I own my dreams.
Yep, this is my big day once again, but so much better!
Showing posts with label x-file. Show all posts
Showing posts with label x-file. Show all posts
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
I am a lesbian
Feels good to say write that.
It has taken me 26 years, a couple of kids, a failed marriage, and lots of awkward grinning/confused head-nodding while wondering what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-me? while listening to my friends talk about how much the male body turns them on.
I was born and raised Mormon. It was certain that I would grow up and feel guilty and bad about myself. Of course, in that circle, being gay is Wrong. Bad stuff. That's sexual immorality, and that is worse than murder, or something. I knew that I couldn't be a lesbian, because only bad(or, at least, not good)people are gay.
Yet.
I didn't really like guys. I liked the sensations when they touched me right, but I didn't like how awkward it all was, how their bodies looked and felt and smelled. The ones that I was involved with, I genuinely liked as people and because of that I "got over" the whole body thing. But really. I was hoping that one of my friends would kiss me one night, or caress my arm, or understand that when I hugged her it was an invitation.
My marriage did not end because I'm gay. It ended because I am too strong for my ex. He ended it, I did not. I truly admired him as a person, and so I was attracted to him. I thought that he was strong, and ethical, but... no. He chose alcohol. He chose to sleep with another. He chose to walk out on his family so he could pretend that he's a teenager once again. I thought that he was different from all the other men out there, but I was wrong. He is without a doubt what this society calls a man.
I finally, after all these years and all these mistakes, told my mom. She was understanding, and just wants me to love, and be loved, and be happy. That went much better than I expected. My brothers don't really give a shit. I'm still working up to telling my friends, sigh. Well, the friends that I've had for years, anyway, the ones that I had crushes on years ago. The new friends know, or at least should, since I haven't kept this from them.
I don't know. I still have lots of thoughts I'm working out. There'll be more, fer sure.
It has taken me 26 years, a couple of kids, a failed marriage, and lots of awkward grinning/confused head-nodding while wondering what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-me? while listening to my friends talk about how much the male body turns them on.
I was born and raised Mormon. It was certain that I would grow up and feel guilty and bad about myself. Of course, in that circle, being gay is Wrong. Bad stuff. That's sexual immorality, and that is worse than murder, or something. I knew that I couldn't be a lesbian, because only bad(or, at least, not good)people are gay.
Yet.
I didn't really like guys. I liked the sensations when they touched me right, but I didn't like how awkward it all was, how their bodies looked and felt and smelled. The ones that I was involved with, I genuinely liked as people and because of that I "got over" the whole body thing. But really. I was hoping that one of my friends would kiss me one night, or caress my arm, or understand that when I hugged her it was an invitation.
My marriage did not end because I'm gay. It ended because I am too strong for my ex. He ended it, I did not. I truly admired him as a person, and so I was attracted to him. I thought that he was strong, and ethical, but... no. He chose alcohol. He chose to sleep with another. He chose to walk out on his family so he could pretend that he's a teenager once again. I thought that he was different from all the other men out there, but I was wrong. He is without a doubt what this society calls a man.
I finally, after all these years and all these mistakes, told my mom. She was understanding, and just wants me to love, and be loved, and be happy. That went much better than I expected. My brothers don't really give a shit. I'm still working up to telling my friends, sigh. Well, the friends that I've had for years, anyway, the ones that I had crushes on years ago. The new friends know, or at least should, since I haven't kept this from them.
I don't know. I still have lots of thoughts I'm working out. There'll be more, fer sure.
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