She likes me!

Too bad she has a boyfriend. But it's a long-distance type of situation, they haven't seen each other since August of 'o7. And she told him that she's in love. With me. And that I've got a thing for her, too. Thing is, that's perfect. I would totally be cool with having that love connection as friends, and a really fucking hot physical connection, but none of the icky ownership and expectation issues that can easily come along with having a girlfriend.

I had an amazing weekend. Campfires, conversations about what the fuck is wrong with society, kids running around playing while surrounded by adults who respect each kid as an individual, and enjoying a love buzz on top of the alcohol induced buzz are all just what I needed this weekend. And I got it.

Aww!

This sums up what I want when I bother to get involved with someone again:

http://www.ourchart.com/content/the-whole-package

Beautiful!

The box

The other night I went to a good friend's house. She had a couple of other friends over, and all in all it was a really great night. Every time I am with this woman I learn so much, and this time was no different. My friend, A. is amazing. She's creative, she's inquisitive, she's open to life. She's unlike anyone else I know. Anyway.

We were hanging out around a campfire, the alcohol was free flowing, and everyone was calm and open and honest. The subject of the box came up. Who's in? Who's out? How so?

These people, without question, are outside the box. Mainstream doesn't matter to them, to the point that the lives they live aren't even a rebellion against the box. The box holds no influence over them. They are who they are. I love them.

I realize that I have spent most of my life at this crossroads. The border of in and out of the box. It's not that I am scared to make a choice, it's not that I am afraid of not being accepted. It's that, until very recently, I had no clue whether I belonged in or out. And I didn't have the language to figure it out. Most of the people that I knew talked about stupid shit like clothes and American Idol. They NEVER would have sat outside, in light rain, building a campfire until 5 am talking about the history of religion, and misogyny, and who you are and why you are. My old friends, and I still love them, of course, but we are different, always got tired of these discussions, when I'd try to have them.

So. This is my declaration. I know where I belong, and I'm out. Out of the closet. Out of the box.

Busy.

I'm focusing on school. Also, keeping my kids focused on their schooling. Actually, that's the hard part. It's easy for me to concentrate on my studies, all the effort I put forth is used to get my kids to do their damn homework. Oh, and then feed them dinner. Then get them clean. Then pack their lunches for the next day. Then get them into bed. I cannot wait until they're capable of staying focused on what must be done.

But I'm crazy about them. Kids.

Actually, I was trying to remember what I like to do. For fun, you know? And as much work as it is to do stuff with the kids, I actually like to do stuff with them. Sitters are great every once in a while, of course. I guess that many other adults wouldn't really get it, my ex sure as fuck didn't, but I prefer activities that I can take the kids along to.

So. What else? Special girl still makes nervous, in the I'm-a-dork,-dear-god-please-like-my-kind-of-dorkiness,-shit-I-really-want-to-press-you-against-that-wall-and-kiss-your-neck,-I-hope-you're-thinking-the-same-thing sort of way. I'm slowly getting around to telling her. I'm an honest person, so I can't keep all this in much longer. Complicated.

Yeah, and also. Fuck politics. I'm so tired of all the bullshit.

Busy day

I saw the special girl today. I get so flustered around her. I can't think straight (pun intended, or not, whatevs) and, whoa, I haven't felt this way about anyone for a long time. It's so great. Must work up the nerves to come out and tell her that I want to get to know her, ahem, better. I'll get there. Soon, 'cause this girl is driving me crazy.

Went to school today, and talked to my academic advisor. I'm enrolled! I'll start class in October, which is great. I'll have some time to get child care figured out, and also get my physical done. But I am officially enrolled! So excited to be taking this journey.

I'm really grateful for where I am in my life right now. I know that, as tough as it all seems sometimes, I have it easier than many people. I have a wonderful, supportive family helping me out, great friends that are accepting of me, and fabulous kids that keep me pushing myself to be the best I can.

Step One

Accomplished.

I called the school that I'll be applying to. Set up an appointment with a counselor tomorrow, to talk about curriculum and assistance and all that fun stuff. Also found out that they still have my transcripts on file from when I applied there years ago. Woo-hoo! I'm on my way...

Squee!

I know a special girl.

She texted me last night.

I think maybe she thinks I'm special too.

This is my anniversary

Today would have been the sixth anniversary of making a legal commitment to love and be faithful and blahblahblah to some dood for the rest of my life. As it turned out, he couldn't give me the same.

And I feel fine. No, better than fine.

Today I'm celebrating my commitment to myself. I'm setting new goals, new ambitions, new hopes for the rest of my life. I'm going to go back to school, Monday I will take the first steps on that journey. I'm seeking, ya know? And never will I let *anything* that happened in the past happen again. It's ALL about me, baby.

After I married that guy, standing outside the courthouse letting our families take pictures of us, I started dreaming. But those weren't my dreams, of course. They were diluted, polluted with the toxic ambitions of a person who only seeks to dominate everything and everyone around him.

I'm hoping again. It's quiet, it's peaceful, it's idealistic. But I own that hope and I own my dreams.

Yep, this is my big day once again, but so much better!

Inspiration

"No, I do not weep at the world - I am too busy sharpening my oyster knife."

~Zora Neale Hurston

I love that attitude. I'm trying it on.

I am a lesbian

Feels good to say write that.

It has taken me 26 years, a couple of kids, a failed marriage, and lots of awkward grinning/confused head-nodding while wondering what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-me? while listening to my friends talk about how much the male body turns them on.

I was born and raised Mormon. It was certain that I would grow up and feel guilty and bad about myself. Of course, in that circle, being gay is Wrong. Bad stuff. That's sexual immorality, and that is worse than murder, or something. I knew that I couldn't be a lesbian, because only bad(or, at least, not good)people are gay.

Yet.

I didn't really like guys. I liked the sensations when they touched me right, but I didn't like how awkward it all was, how their bodies looked and felt and smelled. The ones that I was involved with, I genuinely liked as people and because of that I "got over" the whole body thing. But really. I was hoping that one of my friends would kiss me one night, or caress my arm, or understand that when I hugged her it was an invitation.

My marriage did not end because I'm gay. It ended because I am too strong for my ex. He ended it, I did not. I truly admired him as a person, and so I was attracted to him. I thought that he was strong, and ethical, but... no. He chose alcohol. He chose to sleep with another. He chose to walk out on his family so he could pretend that he's a teenager once again. I thought that he was different from all the other men out there, but I was wrong. He is without a doubt what this society calls a man.

I finally, after all these years and all these mistakes, told my mom. She was understanding, and just wants me to love, and be loved, and be happy. That went much better than I expected. My brothers don't really give a shit. I'm still working up to telling my friends, sigh. Well, the friends that I've had for years, anyway, the ones that I had crushes on years ago. The new friends know, or at least should, since I haven't kept this from them.

I don't know. I still have lots of thoughts I'm working out. There'll be more, fer sure.