I am a lesbian

Feels good to say write that.

It has taken me 26 years, a couple of kids, a failed marriage, and lots of awkward grinning/confused head-nodding while wondering what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-me? while listening to my friends talk about how much the male body turns them on.

I was born and raised Mormon. It was certain that I would grow up and feel guilty and bad about myself. Of course, in that circle, being gay is Wrong. Bad stuff. That's sexual immorality, and that is worse than murder, or something. I knew that I couldn't be a lesbian, because only bad(or, at least, not good)people are gay.

Yet.

I didn't really like guys. I liked the sensations when they touched me right, but I didn't like how awkward it all was, how their bodies looked and felt and smelled. The ones that I was involved with, I genuinely liked as people and because of that I "got over" the whole body thing. But really. I was hoping that one of my friends would kiss me one night, or caress my arm, or understand that when I hugged her it was an invitation.

My marriage did not end because I'm gay. It ended because I am too strong for my ex. He ended it, I did not. I truly admired him as a person, and so I was attracted to him. I thought that he was strong, and ethical, but... no. He chose alcohol. He chose to sleep with another. He chose to walk out on his family so he could pretend that he's a teenager once again. I thought that he was different from all the other men out there, but I was wrong. He is without a doubt what this society calls a man.

I finally, after all these years and all these mistakes, told my mom. She was understanding, and just wants me to love, and be loved, and be happy. That went much better than I expected. My brothers don't really give a shit. I'm still working up to telling my friends, sigh. Well, the friends that I've had for years, anyway, the ones that I had crushes on years ago. The new friends know, or at least should, since I haven't kept this from them.

I don't know. I still have lots of thoughts I'm working out. There'll be more, fer sure.